The truth is, today I am a bit raw. Fatigued. Slept 10 hours. I know I will need several days to recalibrate and adjust. I am grateful – always grateful – and, yes, this is not what I expected for this trip. Today the tears come. Tears which are the luxury of safety. The adrenaline of the past few days, alone in a new country where I don’t speak the language, only me to rely on to make decisions and make them quickly, simply doing what I always do: stay positive & get the job done. I did. Now I’m here. And now the tears come.
I’ve been accused so many times in my life of not showing my vulnerability. Fair judgement – it’s true. I’m also told repeatedly that I’m courageous. Which I don’t feel – I’m just being me. The real courage, in my case, is being authentic with all of you. Not seeing your faces, speaking 1:1 –b/c then, as you know, I am always forthcoming, honest, authentic. But to write to you this way, in this medium – this is challenging for me. Very challenging. Wrestling with self-doubt and other various monsters. This, for me, takes courage.
Your responses touch me. I am more grateful than you can possibly know. Thank you. And so it is with your encouragement -and with a good amount of trepidation- that today I stick my toes into the big sea possibility of writing a blog… (and if you have any ideas for a name, let me know) While researching how to do this, and googling possible versions of my name, I found this and it took me by surprise. (Didn’t realize it had been uploaded to the ether of the internet.) I’m always uncomfortable hearing my voice – (and please, my Jungian friends, let’s not discuss right now what that means psychologically!) But I went ahead and listened to this and damn if it didn’t hit home. Me today needed to hear these words from me a few weeks ago.
So the truth is, friends, I don’t have any of this figured out. Really, none of us ever do. The best we’ve got is following our inner compass, stumbling along in our vulnerability, dwelling in possibility, choosing love over fear. Thank you for joining me on this journey. Thank you for helping me be courageous.
Oh, and if you do listen to the link, the song prior to my talk was “Let Me Fall” from Cirque du Soleil’s “Quidam” show. See below for the YouTube video that was used in the service. It’s amazing.
Leap, and the net will appear. Go forth in your uncertainty, Jan. Sin boldly!!
LikeLiked by 1 person